It's odd, thinking about death while being an atheist. To understand that afterward, you are simply not. We all know that what is coming is permanent. There is no happy ending, with no chance of reunion or redemption in some other plane. Death will be a final parting, permanent and absolute.
Embrace those you adore now, in this life, and know that someday you'll be separated by eternity. Appreciate and acknowledge that, in infinite space and time, your two motes of consciousness, against unfathomable odds, simply had the opportunity to enjoy a brief lucidity of life and touch each other in some small way, before returning forever to the endless naught.
Honestly, there is nothing more important than the realization that this life, the single life we have, is all and everything that we will ever have; when it's over, it's over. In a way, it gives life more sanctity and meaning than any religion could dream.
More crazy mama drama.....So, I haven't spoken to either of my parents since the end of May. Not necessarily by choice. I sent my dad a Fathers' Day card in the mail (late) because I didn't go to the family reunion on Fathers' Day weekend in order to give it to him in person. It must have arrived in the last day or two, because according to Jon, I received a letter in the mail today from my mother. He hasn't opened it, so of course he didn't say what it said. So now my whole day is wrecked wondering what this letter says. Is she pissed that I sent Dad a card? Has she decided to evict me from our house (that I make the payments on) that's in her name? Has she decided to have Jon's cell phone turned off? Blah. Worry, worry, worry.
Well....my mother is in the hospital again. In Harrison. What the fuck, you may ask, is she doing in Harrison? Long story short, she went nuts last night and disappeared, and that's where she ended up. She is suffering from psychotic episodes (the doctors' words, not my own), and she has had a heart attack at some point in the last 24 hours. I'm surprised she even made it to Harrison, since she hasn't really driven a vehicle in the last 3 years or so and never has been good at driving at night.
She's been off for a while, and has been gradually sliding into psychotic third base for a long time now. It's just recently come to a head. Ever since her mother died, followed shortly by her brother, she's not been herself. In fact, it's really affected her role as my mother and my kids' grandmother in a negative way. She's stand-offish, even cold and mean sometimes; she irritates my father on purpose, she's even more dramatic than she was when I lived at home, and she's clearly having memory lapses. Her constant drama lately has really worn on my dad, and last night they got into it pretty hard. He had to leave for an hour or so to cool off and keep from slapping the shit out of her. He just went to walk around at Wal-Mart. While he was gone, Mom decided to go looking for him (so she says), and that's how she ended up in Harrison. I personally think she meant to head for Harrisonville (in Missouri, south of KC), where her longtime friend Flora Lee lives, and became confused when she saw signs for Harrison, Arkansas and followed them.
She was pulled over by the Harrison police (two of them) and a state trooper-yes, it took all three of them to get her to finally stop-for driving erratically in front of the Taco Bell. The officers realized something wasn't right with her when it took getting the police dog after her to get her to come out of the car. They took her to the ER there, and that's who called to let me know where she was. Meanwhile, I was busy as a pallbearer at my Great-Aunt Eva Jo's funeral. I got the voicemail message after the funeral was over, and immediately hit the road to go pick up my dad.
We were under the impression that Mom would be transported to St. Edward's in Fort Smith, and that we needed to get to Harrison to get their car out of impound, so we headed that way. On the way there, the hospital called again to tell me that St. Edward's had refused to accept her based on the fact that she was being evaluated for cardiac trouble and psychiatric problems at the same time. They thought it would be best if she were kept where she was overnight, so there she stayed. Tomorrow, if her heart issues are any better, she may get transported to Washington Regional in Fayetteville, which is about an hour closer to home than where she is now. She'll also get a visit from a social worker, who will try to determine what kind of psychiatric help we may need to get for her. I'm going to insist that, once we get her heart under control, she be signed into Vista Health in Barling for a sabbatical until we can figure out what's making her go batshit at the drop of a hat. Let's just hope it all works out soon....Dad and I are exhausted and frustrated trying to figure it out.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Wow...my mother is crazy. I don't even know where to begin. I'm almost certain this won't get any better, either. I just don't know what to do.
I did it! This is the first time in 15 years I've been able to say I've gone a whole year smoke-free! I am so proud of myself. I couldn't have done it, in the beginning, without the help of Chantix. Thanks to our health insurance through Jon's company, I got the entire Chantix program with zero copay. Finding out it was free was what finally got me to dive in and just do it....I'd been toying with the idea for a long time, and even had my doc write me a prescription, but until the insurance change happened...it was just so expensive. I'm so glad I was able to do this for myself and my kids. I'm still taking it one day at a time, but it gets easier and easier as time goes on.
I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote in my blog. I'm sure every blogger goes through episodes of don't-give-a-shit-itis...right?
Sooooooo.....yeah. So I've been in a real rut lately, but it's getting better. It just seemed like everything was piling up on me, and I couldn't get out from under it all long enough to breathe. I'm still having car issues. Our money situation hasn't gotten any better. Daltrey is still a little tyrant. My parents are falling apart. But you know what? It's all gonna be okay. I'll live. I always get through stuff...it just takes some effort and a little creativity, right? Wrong. It takes good antidepressant medication, that's what it takes.
My doctor changed my antidepressant from Wellbutrin to Celexa. Big difference!!! The first two weeks were a challenge....to say the least. I was super tweaked out and hallucinated a lot. The tweaking I could handle, but the hallucinations were pretty annoying. First, the carpet in my office hallway was sand. I don't mean that it looked like sand, I mean it was sand. It was difficult to walk through it, and my footsteps even left small dunes in it and everything. Then there was the lovely mall tile adventure. I went on lunch break, heading to El Chico, which is in the JC Penney-anchored wing of the mall. Bad idea. It took me nearly half my break just to get there, because the tiles on the mall floor were each individually attached to 50-foot bamboo poles that swayed to and fro. It took every ounce of concentration and focus that I had to keep from plummeting 50 feet or more. I should've turned back and ordered something delivered, but I was determined to get my enchilada fix. It wasn't so bad on the way back from lunch, though, and as the day wore on the hallucinations were fewer. Next day I had another weird experience with the tiles. On the way to the food court, which is considerably closer than El Chico, I kept having a hard time stepping on the grout lines between tiles. I simply could not make myself do it. It was weird, but not nearly as weird as having the tiles swaying independently of one another. Small victory there, I guess. Anyway, I got tired of the hallucinations interrupting my work, so I decided to take a friend's advice and switch to taking the Celexa before bed. This presents its own set of challenges. If I take it too close to bedtime, the hallucinations are still with me when I get up in the morning. If I take it too long from bedtime, they make it hard to fall asleep. There was a lobster in my room one night. It scurried under my dresser just as I was putting my feet under the covers. I could even hear it clicking its claws at me. But if I take the pills just at the right time, I sleep right through the funky weirdness and wake up in a pretty good mood. I can live with that. In fact, since I started this new stuff, I haven't wanted to kill myself or anyone else in at least two weeks. That can't be bad.
Here's The Crystal Method, featuring Filter, to help illustrate with "(Can't You) Trip Like I Do":
The last week was tough. Too many tragedies. Earthquake in New Zealand, killing many; unrest in the Middle East, resulting in deaths in Egypt, Libya, Yemen, Tunisia, Iraq, I could go on and on.....and closer to home, two 49-year-old men with significant impacts on their communities.
The first, Steve Rinke, Arkansas broadcaster of note, sports fanatic, news scoop and doting dad, died Wednesday. He was working right up to his last breath, collapsing in the production suite while doing what he loved best. Tragically, two coworkers tried very hard to revive him while the ambulance crew were on their way, but it was too late for Steve. He'd suffered a massive heart attack, and it was mercifully quick. His death was immediately felt among the broadcasting community, almost as acutely as it was felt within Steve's family. We were his second family. You just don't realize how hard someone works and how much someone really does until they're not there to do it anymore. And with Steve, it wouldn't be speculation to say stress played a major role in his demise. You see, a person really can be spread too thin. And he sure was....Steve had a morning show on KQBK Kool! 104.7, did news updates, weather updates, special features, and tons of sports programming for the 5-station cluster Pharis Broadcasting. He'd also been the radio voice of the Southside Rebels. Most importantly, though, he was a dad. Every minute he wasn't working (and sometimes even when he was) was spent with his son Connor, whom he cherished and doted on all the time. He always had some new Connor story to tickle your funny bone, and Connor was never far away from Steve at any given time. In his studio and office, the minute you walked in you knew Steve was a dad. His funeral was tough, even though we had a few laughs and saw some friends we hadn't seen in a while. I left the radio cluster for another station a year and a half ago, but I still considered Steve a friend. I stay in pretty regular contact with my friends who work there, and it was in this way that I found out what had happened to poor Steve. What hurt me the most about his funeral was seeing Connor up-close after the service. He'd grown a lot since I'd seen him last...and he had the beginnings of a moustache! My goodness, he's the same age as my son T.J.! Has it really been that long since I'd seen the kid? It made me cry to see him more than it did to look down and see Steve in his casket. I hope his family surrounds Connor with all the love they have, because the boy's sure gonna need it to fill in the gaping hole Steve has left behind in his heart.
The second man who passed away was Mr. David Warren, husband, father, and dedicated long-time educator. He died Thursday after suffering a concussion from a slip-and-fall accident there at the school. He was my son's 5th grade language arts teacher first, then his 7th grade science teacher. He was so enthusiastic about science and learning in general. A great educator, and a fair and good man. T.J. was friends with and in Gifted/Talented with Mr. Warren's son Rush. I can't imagine being a 7th-grader and losing your dad. I told T.J. that Rush is really going to need all the friends he can get right now, and I hope they can all rally around him and let him know they're there for him. Mountainburg's school system will still be reeling from his loss years from now, I'm sure.
So, 49 is too young to die. Everyone please take care of yourselves, and remember not to spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no once in a while and get some rest. And exercise. I'm going to...I'm in my thirties and never thought I'd have health problems, but I can already feel them creeping up on me when I'm not looking. Now's the time to be proactive about my health. That said, I think I'll go have a little breakfast with my toddler and go for a walk.
