Local Tragedies.

The last week was tough.  Too many tragedies.  Earthquake in New Zealand, killing many; unrest in the Middle East, resulting in deaths in Egypt, Libya, Yemen, Tunisia, Iraq, I could go on and on.....and closer to home, two 49-year-old men with significant impacts on their communities.
The first, Steve Rinke, Arkansas broadcaster of note, sports fanatic, news scoop and doting dad, died Wednesday.  He was working right up to his last breath, collapsing in the production suite while doing what he loved best.  Tragically, two coworkers tried very hard to revive him while the ambulance crew were on their way, but it was too late for Steve.  He'd suffered a massive heart attack, and it was mercifully quick.  His death was immediately felt among the broadcasting community, almost as acutely as it was felt within Steve's family.  We were his second family.  You just don't realize how hard someone works and how much someone really does until they're not there to do it anymore.  And with Steve, it wouldn't be speculation to say stress played a major role in his demise.  You see, a person really can be spread too thin.  And he sure was....Steve had a morning show on KQBK Kool! 104.7, did news updates, weather updates, special features, and tons of sports programming for the 5-station cluster Pharis Broadcasting.  He'd also been the radio voice of the Southside Rebels.  Most importantly, though, he was a dad.  Every minute he wasn't working (and sometimes even when he was) was spent with his son Connor, whom he cherished and doted on all the time.  He always had some new Connor story to tickle your funny bone, and Connor was never far away from Steve at any given time.  In his studio and office, the minute you walked in you knew Steve was a dad.  His funeral was tough, even though we had a few laughs and saw some friends we hadn't seen in a while.  I left the radio cluster for another station a year and a half ago, but I still considered Steve a friend.  I stay in pretty regular contact with my friends who work there, and it was in this way that I found out what had happened to poor Steve.  What hurt me the most about his funeral was seeing Connor up-close after the service.  He'd grown a lot since I'd seen him last...and he had the beginnings of a moustache!  My goodness, he's the same age as my son T.J.!  Has it really been that long since I'd seen the kid?  It made me cry to see him more than it did to look down and see Steve in his casket.  I hope his family surrounds Connor with all the love they have, because the boy's sure gonna need it to fill in the gaping hole Steve has left behind in his heart.
The second man who passed away was Mr. David Warren, husband, father, and dedicated long-time educator.  He died Thursday after suffering a concussion from a slip-and-fall accident there at the school.  He was my son's 5th grade language arts teacher first, then his 7th grade science teacher.  He was so enthusiastic about science and learning in general.  A great educator, and a fair and good man.  T.J. was friends with and in Gifted/Talented with Mr. Warren's son Rush.  I can't imagine being a 7th-grader and losing your dad.  I told T.J. that Rush is really going to need all the friends he can get right now, and I hope they can all rally around him and let him know they're there for him.  Mountainburg's school system will still be reeling from his loss years from now, I'm sure. 
So, 49 is too young to die.  Everyone please take care of yourselves, and remember not to spread yourself too thin.  Learn to say no once in a while and get some rest.  And exercise.  I'm going to...I'm in my thirties and never thought I'd have health problems, but I can already feel them creeping up on me when I'm not looking.  Now's the time to be proactive about my health.  That said, I think I'll go have a little breakfast with my toddler and go for a walk.

What a terrible day.

 

Daniel Powter's "Had a Bad Day" describes today for me....started out rough (Monday) after a weekend that almost didn't count as a weekend, then gradually got worse.  Yuck.  It's one of those days when you wish you could get a do-over right from the beginning.  I woke up knowing this was gonna be a rough week, since we're pretty much broke...well, beyond broke really.  Spending all the money we spent on my car, another washing machine, and the house payment pretty much tanked us.  

Then I got to work and it was okay for a while...until my Mom called to tell me my Dad was puking his guts up.  I felt bad for the guy, but gee whiz, I had to get stuff done at work, ya know?  I told her to call if he got any worse, expecting him to rest and feel better later on in the day.  I managed to eat my lunch (leftovers...yay...) and get a few more things done, and then Mom called again.  This time she was hysterical.  Dad was puking blood now, and she didn't know what to do.  Instead of telling her to call 911, I told her to calm down and that I'd be there as soon as I could.  I let my friend Carol know I needed to go, and she sent me on my way.  

When I got to my parents', Dad was lying in bed.  He was cold and clammy, sweaty, and was retching and heaving.  It was hard for me to hold it together...I'm one of those people who pukes at the sight, sound or smell of someone else puking.  I did my best, though, because I knew my Dad needed me.  Mom doesn't drive anymore, so it was going to be up to me to get him to a doctor.  I saw the blood my Mom was talking about, and it was more like streaks of blood than pools of it...that was a bit of a relief.  Still, though, he was pretty bad off, so Mom insisted that I go ahead and try to get him seen by a doctor.  

I managed to get Dad to lie down in the back seat of their car and hit the road.  He wanted me to try the walk-in clinic first, so we headed there.  On the way, he puked two more times.  Thankfully, though, we'd thought ahead and brought along a wastebasket with a grocery sack in it.  I pulled into the parking lot at Pro-Med and told Dad to stay put for a minute.  The lot looked really full, so I decided to go in first and see how long the wait was going to be.  Good thing I did...the wait to even get evaluated was over an hour.  With my Dad's history of heart problems, I didn't want to take the chance and wait that long.  Nausea and vomiting are a few symptoms that can present themselves as precursors to heart attacks. 

So I decided that the emergency room would be a better choice, since they triage patients in order of the severity of their problems.  As I was getting back into the car, I misjudged a little and whacked the crap out of my forehead on the door, cutting a gash right over my left eye.  GREAT....icing on the bad day cake.  Nevertheless, off we went to the ER.  I dabbed my cut on a towel we'd brought along until it was only just oozing a bit, and pushed onward.  

The triage nurses got Dad right in and did an EKG and drew blood first thing.  When they determined that he wasn't having a heart attack, they downgraded him a little and allowed some more urgent cases ahead of us.  About an hour later, we were back in a room.  The ER doctor came in and talked to us, then decided to order some X-rays to check for obstructions in his digestive tract.  He got those done, then the nurse came back in and told us his labs showed that he was dehydrated from all the vomiting he'd done.  That meant he needed IV fluids.  The bag got hooked up, and he was given some medicine to help with the nausea.  So we waited.

The doctor came back when the IV drip was finished, and he reported that the X-ray was fine.  He said Dad probably had one of the many stomach bugs that are going around, and that he just needed a little more rest and plenty of fluids.  He gave Dad a prescription for phenergan and something else I've never heard of (for the stomach upset, I would assume), and sent us on our way.  

Dad had perked up in the last hour or so of our ER visit, so I figure the IV fluids were exactly what he needed.  And I'm sure the injection for nausea helped a lot, too.  I got him back home, and managed to get myself home just in time to catch the end of American Dad with my kiddo T.J.  Now I'm off to bed.  I'm gonna try to sleep in a bit, since Daltrey stayed the night at my sister-in-law's tonight.  Wish me luck for a better day tomorrow.  I just hope I don't wake up with a horrible headache to go with the gash and the huge goose-egg on my forehead.

Next stop: self-loathing. All aboard.

As a thinking person, I know that my emotions are ruled by chemistry in my brain.  As a feeling person, it seems to me that they are ruled by things that happen to me that are beyond my control.  I wish my thinking self would push my feeling self out of the way sometimes.  I wish there was a pill I could take every day to even out my moods.  I wish things would get better in my world, so I wouldn't stress so much in the first place.  I wish sometimes that I could just die in my sleep instead of having to wake up and deal with my fucked-up life.  Then I realize just how awful and selfish that sounds, and hate myself even more for thinking that, instead of thinking of how I can improve the lives of those around me.  My kids would benefit from a stable, confident, even-tempered mom, and my husband would benefit from me being able to help him solve problems that arise in our life together. 
I hate myself for being an idiot in years past and screwing everything up in my financial life.  I hate myself for putting my oldest son through hell with me in my search for something real.  I hate myself for putting my parents through hell worrying about me.  I hate myself for breaking Jon's heart the first time we were married.  I should have stayed and helped him through his hard times instead of abandoning him to deal with it alone.  It was wrong of me to treat him the way that I did.  I hate myself for marrying a dimwit who ended up being mean to my kid and me just because I didn't want to be alone.  I'm ashamed of the situations I got myself into during that period of time in my life. 
I hate myself for letting my body go to hell.  When I quit smoking, I replaced it with another vice...eating too much.  I'm hungry all the time.  I hate the way I look right now.  I hate that I don't have the energy or the desire to get off my ass and exercise this extra weight off, and I hate that I like food so much.  Sometimes I just want to cut the fat off my body with a knife.
So there, I admit it...I hate myself.  I don't feel any better now that I've said it, but there it is.

Bad Luck

I must have some really messed-up karma or something, because the last few months have been pretty rough.  First, my old Honda's transmission went kaput on me...and Xmas was really slim.  We got another car for me, this time a Hyundai...and I've been very happy with it.  The price tag, however, eeeeek!  I still haven't been able to come up with the money to pay the sales taxes on the damn thing so I can get it tagged. 
We thought 2011 was going to be better, but it's started out very rough.  Then we got screwed on our taxes and didn't get the refund we were expecting.  Now that Jon and I have both spent an entire year working at our new jobs, we've found out that we "make too much" to qualify for the EIC, which has inflated our tax refunds in years past up to at least $2000, sometimes as much as $3500.  Not anymore.  Now our refund depends solely on the child tax credits and the childcare credit.  It sure didn't amount to much. 
There's more to this story, too....surely you didn't think I was finished yet, did you?  Our youngest has always been a demanding little tyrant, it's true...but he's almost intolerable now.  I know we shouldn't compare our kids with one another, because they're individuals and all that...but good grief, I don't remember the oldest being this way!  Maybe it's me, maybe I've lost patience as I've gained age....maybe it's hormonal....maybe it's the stress from everything else combined with the pressure to be a great mom to a high-strung kid.  I don't know, but something's gotta give, and soon! 

The icing on the cake was today....a complete nightmare of a day.  It started off at 6:30 with the youngest driving me insane, whining about wanting some cereal.  I got him some cereal.  Then he decided he didn't want it.  *Sigh*  Frustrating, yes.  Cause for explosion, no.  Then a couple hours went by and he decided that, after all, he really did want some cereal.  Let the whining begin.  I hesitated at first, and then gave in.  Sure enough, he wasted yet another bowl of cereal.  I sent him to his room and I went to mine.  Mommy needs time-out sometimes, too.  I cried for half an hour.  Then Mother Nature brought me a lovely Valentine's Day present.  Oh, joy.  That explains a lot of my irritability.  Note to self:  Look up PMDD later on WebMD.  We'd planned on going out for dinner, possibly to Chili's, where I could relax with a nice meal cooked and served by someone else, and a margarita strong enough to warrant letting Jon drive home.  But nooooooo...that was not in the cards for today.  We made it about 5 miles, and my beloved Hyundai died in the middle of the road.  Perfect.  Something to do with the fuel system.  Jon thought at first it was a fuel filter, so he went to get one after the tow truck brought the car and him home.  We'd had a friend of ours rescue the kids and me, and I'd started dinner while I waited for Jon.  He got the fuel filter replaced, and of course that wasn't it.  Now he's thinking it's the fuel pump.....oh happy day.  Hopefully the one out in the workshop leftover from a previous vehicle will be a match....wish us luck.  Just not bad luck, okay?  Thanks.

Now, here's Social Distortion, performing "Bad Luck"....

So tired of winter.

Wednesday brought almost 9 inches of snow to my neighborhood....and forced me to work from home.  That's all well and good, but these kids are driving me nuts!  I got out with them and played in it for a little while yesterday, but we're already tired of it.  Thank goodness this weekend is going to be significantly warmer, so all this crap will melt.  This is the second week in a row that our school district has had to postpone PT conferences because of the weather.  It's really getting old!

"Make the Snow Go Away"...a parody song just for the latest snow piles.

Not Enough Sleep

I don't know what the deal is, but lately Daltrey has kept me from getting enough sleep.  I don't think he's having nightmares.  I try to put him down earlier or later than we usually do, and neither way helps.  I'm at my wits' end.  Last night I had myself a tantrum of my own after Daltrey woke up at 2:30 and WOULD NOT go back to sleep!  By the time it was over, all of us were miserable and mad.  I hope tonight's not the same way.  I was sure one tired Mama today at work. 

The Snow is Melting....

All the sunshine yesterday melted most of our snow....but our front yard is pretty shady.  There was still plenty of snow left to make some snow people with my kids and have a family snowball fight.  It was the good, wet kind of snow that sticks really well, rather than the powdery kind we had last week.  I hate winter and everything that goes along with it, but I can deal with it if I can at least have a little fun in it.

Tell Old Man Winter to Kiss My ASS!

I think this little ditty pretty much sums it up.  This is EXACTLY how I feel about winter right now. 
On a happier note, I did come home to a warm house, thank goodness.  It cost us over $300, but we'll be warm for another month or so.  Propane prices went up from $2.24 a gallon to $2.89 a gallon since December 6th.  I don't even think the prices at the gas pump have gone up that much!  Outrageous!  Old Man Winter can just kiss my ass!

New Eye Exam Equipment

The song for today's post is "Doctor My Eyes" by Jackson Browne...

I had an eye exam today at Dang Eyecare & Associates, and they had the most interesting new piece of equipment...a high-resolution digital retinal camera.  The doc showed me the images he took of my retinas and explained all the different things in the photo.  It was probably the most informative and interesting eye exam visit I've ever had.  Of course, my pupils had to be dilated, so I got to drive back to work wearing these flimsy plastic sunglasses.  Now my pupils are still dilated and I look like a crackhead.  Joy.

Edit: Check out the machines they used to test my eyes here... http://www.dangeyecare.com/tech.htm

They left me cold.

I'm dedicating today's song, "Five Finger Crawl" by Danzig, to the Coleman/Titan Propane Company.  They left me cold.  And believe me, I'm gonna make sure they get an earful when I finally get them on the phone....at the very least, they could have an answering machine or answering service to let customers know they're not in the office, with a number for emergencies and the ability to leave a message or something. 

Sick of winter.

Not that I mind the occasional snow day, but this is getting ridiculous.  If it's gonna snow, it needs to just snow big and get it over with.  I hate ice and sleet and freezing rain.  You can't make a sleetman....well, not easily, anyway.  Besides, snowmen are the only real reason to have snow.  If there's not gonna be enough snow to build a snowman, well it might as well not even snow.  Dammit.  We've got some snow, but it's mostly been sleet and ice....and well, that sucks.