Next stop: self-loathing. All aboard.

As a thinking person, I know that my emotions are ruled by chemistry in my brain.  As a feeling person, it seems to me that they are ruled by things that happen to me that are beyond my control.  I wish my thinking self would push my feeling self out of the way sometimes.  I wish there was a pill I could take every day to even out my moods.  I wish things would get better in my world, so I wouldn't stress so much in the first place.  I wish sometimes that I could just die in my sleep instead of having to wake up and deal with my fucked-up life.  Then I realize just how awful and selfish that sounds, and hate myself even more for thinking that, instead of thinking of how I can improve the lives of those around me.  My kids would benefit from a stable, confident, even-tempered mom, and my husband would benefit from me being able to help him solve problems that arise in our life together. 
I hate myself for being an idiot in years past and screwing everything up in my financial life.  I hate myself for putting my oldest son through hell with me in my search for something real.  I hate myself for putting my parents through hell worrying about me.  I hate myself for breaking Jon's heart the first time we were married.  I should have stayed and helped him through his hard times instead of abandoning him to deal with it alone.  It was wrong of me to treat him the way that I did.  I hate myself for marrying a dimwit who ended up being mean to my kid and me just because I didn't want to be alone.  I'm ashamed of the situations I got myself into during that period of time in my life. 
I hate myself for letting my body go to hell.  When I quit smoking, I replaced it with another vice...eating too much.  I'm hungry all the time.  I hate the way I look right now.  I hate that I don't have the energy or the desire to get off my ass and exercise this extra weight off, and I hate that I like food so much.  Sometimes I just want to cut the fat off my body with a knife.
So there, I admit it...I hate myself.  I don't feel any better now that I've said it, but there it is.